First and foremost I want to reach out to thank everyone who has been there for me over the past few months. These are difficult times for many and I decided to take on some additional challenges which have made life additionally challenging. Seriously... everything I go through, while I might physically be alone, I don't feel alone because I have so many great friends and family members watching along and keeping up with me. I've talked with so many people, way more than usual and for way longer than usual... it's honestly a little hard to keep up with sometimes. But I appreciate every convo, every like, comment, text, email... even before I left I got words of praise and such from so many. It was empowering and felt very good. I wanted to do a huge thanks to everyone and I still will when I feel like the move is over... but it's not. I still don't have my stuff and it will be another 7 days from September 1st before I hope to see it. Basically the greatness of the move, the opportunity and life in general has seemingly hit the skids since about week 2 here.
I mean I simply can't go on without including some words about my step-mom, Jill. Who passed away last week. She was pronounced terminal back in April. Told she would be lucky to have a week. She passed in late August. That's the kind of bonus time we should all hope to have. Jill was a special lady. She was always kind to me from day one... always asking when I was going to bring her home some grandchildren. Thanks to her son Jamie for finally providing some... it eased that line of questioning for awhile. When her and my dad got married I was the best man. It was an honor to have known her. I'm honestly struggling for words... it's so hard to not have physically been there for my dad more in these days. You'd think you'd be ready more after knowing things were heading that way in April but so much has changed in my life since she was told she was losing hers... I remember hearing her make and receive phone calls. Saying good-bye to people. It was heartbreaking. As with any death, we all then question our own mortality... our own lives. What was I doing? What if I was told it would end soon? What had I done? Would I be as excepting of it? I never saw Jill angry about her impending situation. She handled herself with such dignity... such grace. I got to say good-bye to her several times as she constantly hung in there against the projections of modern medicine. I had mentioned this in a previous address that this was coming... making this weird time weirder. For me it made a hard time harder, but at least I know she's at peace. I've talked to my Dad a few times. He'll be ok. It's just hard to not be there for him. That sign was one I bought for Jill who loved bric-a-brac and to occasionally cuss then ask God for forgiveness immediately. On Instagram I captioned that he no longer needs to worry about coming down here for her because she's coming up.
After a paragraph about actual life being lost I'm going to now try and talk about my stuff not arriving yet as if it actually matters on that level... so I need a transition paragraph. Let's shoot.
So basically if you know me well and have reached out off of social media you know why I've been mad, sad and down lately. It's everything. It's a lot.
Look... it's not going well here for me so far. I mean lets not beat around the bush. While there's a lot I won't say on here for a variety of reasons.. I will say I'm not settled at home without my stuff, I'm not settled at work, and I'm not settled thus in life. The transition to get here was tough on me mentally, but doable, but the issues since I've been here, broke me near the end of week 3. While I expected things to be good, clean, fresh and new here that "honeymoon phase" has been over for awhile and a month has felt like 3.
I honestly got pretty excited to buy some fish for my new tank on Monday and of the 3 fish one has already died and another looks like he's on the way out. The fishes names are Fish E (RIP), Kofish Kingston, and Xavier Ponds. Wrestling fans will get the reference. #DontYouDareBeSour "Its a new tank yes it is!" #NewTankRocks
I've posted very little on social media because quite frankly I don't have much good to report. The coolest thing lately was learning to curl at work. I mean I know I don't always live by this, but if you don't have anything good to say don't say it at all right? I mean I'm trying to do that but it's become increasingly hard.
As my Mom said the other day, "I'm a pretty tough guy," and I'll come out of it... and while I hear all those words from everyone and I know it to be true... right now I need a break. I need a mental vacation that simply doesn't feel possible in the near future. I've taken moments for meditation here and there and even gotten in to using my tub with bath bombs.... anything to relax at times. Coming home when I'm mad to an empty apartment sometimes feels like a slap to the face... like life is saying "here's the apartment you wanted... can't have all your stuff too though HA HA" So even my days off don't give me a recharge I need.
I got so down for a day or so, that I wrote some weird stuff on Facebook and Twitter... odd things for a person of my ilk to do... a sort of cry for help I guess, I don't know. I reached a boiling point. People reached out and I appreciate it... looking back I'm not super proud of that tact, but it is what it is. I mean I feel like I could go on a two day drinking bender about now and people would probably nod and shrug approval like "well yeah he's earned a beverage... or six by now." I'm not gonna do that BTW... just sayin.
I tried to pick myself back up and reevaluate and within a couple of days I had a couple bad days at work, found out my stuff was still in Massachusetts and lost my step-mom. It wasn't the best way to get back on track. But there I was this past Sunday trying to do it again. Regroup. Giving myself a "Let's Go" chat. Finding a way to make everything work. I've always liked to believe I make the most out of bad situations, but lately I've been second guessing all of my decision making. And you'll have that when you start to wonder if moving across the country during a pandemic was a good idea. Yeah. Don't think I ever considered not doing this. Cause I did. I just knew that if I passed on this I'd always wonder "what if" and maybe regret it. I standby the choice to come and have to find a way to make things work. And in the past week I remembered some key stuff...
When I moved to Milwaukee I always referred to that as one of the best things I ever did in life. The day I drove in to town was, and still is, among the best days I've ever had. However it wasn't all sunshine over there. I had some of my worst days over there too. Including getting my car repossessed, getting and OUI, and getting fired from the job I moved out there for. I figured this time had to go better than that right? Well that venture had something this didn't. Namely Dan Young. That dude took me under his wing and as we later added Neil they made everything I went through there a little better. Having some people where you live is important and I had those people early in Milwaukee. I didn't get them til later in Boston, and I sure as heck don't have them yet here... Big ups to the MKE crew. Not sure I every really thanked you properly for any of that!
That all said, I thought the previous moves had all lead up to this. This would be a breeze... well sometimes winds blow like a mighty hurricane on a day you expected clear skies... but I know clear skies will come. So in an effort to go out on a positive note, which feels forced but we're doing it, here are some bright spots from month #1 in Texas (Which has felt like 3 months by the way did I mention that?)
* I mean Austin seems cool. Still not open to full capacity but in general it seems pretty rad so far.
* My apartment is gonna be pretty sweet when it's setup. This is a solid spot and I'm very pleased with it.
* Eating better? I mean sure I partake in some fast-food because I have to try all the new spots, but at home I've been going crazy for vegetables, and other healthy-ish snacks. It's also nice to not have to order out every meal. I've only gotten food brought to me once in the whole month! Used to be like 4 to 5 times a week in Boston for comparison. Having my own kitchen is a game changer. I did break down to buy stuff to use it due to the lack of my stuff being here but it's been a plus for sure.
* So yeah the tub. My bathroom is the only room that is pretty much finished. I have a fun theme in there so that's something.
* I have an ice-maker in my freezer. A dishwasher, a washer and dryer... all in my apartment. I mean technically if I'm there I have 2 ice makers in my apartment!
* Sports back on has been cool. I mean thank God I have something to watch on my computer to help pass some of the free hours other than wrestling.
* People won't be ready... I think folks around here think I have only one hat, one pair of shoes, 7 shirts... wait til they see the swag coming their way. Swag-icane warning! I mean... I haven't really even been that electrifying yet...
* Valuing myself as high as I deserve. I always had a conversation with Katie about how I hated it when cars would stop for me so I could cross the street. I mean let the car go through and I'll walk after. Keep things moving. Working with my therapist to value myself is another part of why I came here. Finally getting to a point where I allow the car to stop for me. When I heard the phrase "We think you're a star, and we want you to come be a star for us." I decided to allow myself to embrace it. To go be somewhere I chose to be, rather than simply somewhere there was a job. I had worked hard enough had plenty of time in Mass. and got certified enough to "call my own shot" so to speak. Some things are happening now to challenge my new mindset and that has made this all hard too, but I'll be stronger eventually as a result.
* Did I mention the ice-maker in the freezer? It's pretty rad.
So yeah there's some update for ya. I had hoped for a better first month check-in. They aren't all open-mouthed selfie times right now, but that's life. It makes the open-mouthed selfie moments that much better when you get them. Here's to hoping those moments come back soon...